


you don't have to do everything by yourself

by Tofuflavouredfear



Series: You don't have to do everything by yourself [1]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Acephobia, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Character, BAMF Katniss Everdeen, Biphobia, Bisexual Character, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Finnick Odair Lives, Homophobia, Katniss Everdeen Needs a Hug, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Character, POV Katniss Everdeen, Protective Finnick Odair, Unrequited Crush, annie mentally adopts katniss, asexual Katniss Everdeen, awkward katniss everdeen, biromantic character, biromantic katniss everdeen, cinna is a good bro, finnick mentally adopts katniss, impulsive katniss everdeen, katniss everdeen centric, katniss everdeen is a little shit, katniss is not the best fighter but she will fight everyone, katniss is ready to fight everyone, katniss loves madge, katniss mentally adopts rue, katniss saves finnick, protective annie cresta, protective katniss everdeen, protective madge undersee, singer katniss everdeen, suicidal katniss everdeen, wlw katniss everdeen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:22:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29495745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tofuflavouredfear/pseuds/Tofuflavouredfear
Summary: This is also on quotev my username there is IthinkIsawyouinmysleep and for now on there its called Angst time bi katniss edition because thats basically what this fic is
Relationships: Annie Cresta & Katniss Everdeen, Annie Cresta/Finnick Odair, Cinna & Katniss Everdeen, Clove/Katniss Everdeen, Katniss Everdeen & Finnick Odair, Katniss Everdeen & Gale Hawthorne, Katniss Everdeen & Primrose Everdeen, Katniss Everdeen & Rue, Katniss Everdeen/Johanna Mason, Katniss Everdeen/Madge Undersee, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Series: You don't have to do everything by yourself [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177994
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

Katniss POV:

I think I just stopped giving a shit to be honest. I could never be with her and I could never love or be loved. Not anymore. Even though it was a death sentence I still had a chance I guess. A spark.

I want to see that spark again even if it costs me my life. 

They could figure it out. They could take my 'talent' for what it is and have me executed. I'd be lying if if I said I didn't care about that but I'm just so tired and I need her to know. I should have just stuck with pretending to be a fashion designer or whatever. Then again I'm pretty sure Cinna was prepared to murder me himself if I didn't stop coming up with the most ridiculous dresses possible. In my defense that capital probably would eat it up.

It's not like it was obvious but people were going to wonder what the songs I wrote were about and they were getting increasingly obvious. Eventually someone was going to realize. Maybe they all already had and just didn't want to believe it.

I tried to ignore the people surrounding me and just pretended it was me and her.

"Walk in the room  
Take off your coat  
You look so nice  
I've been so cold"

* * *

**Madge had made herself at home in my house. I laughed and shook my head at her ability to not notice my mothers glare as she left to help some kid who had managed to fuck themselves up just enough to not suffer any long term injuries but enough to be a pain in the dick to patch up.**

**I would have left like I always do when my mother and Prim busy themselves with helping someone to not die but I knew Madge was going to visit me and despite my longing to leave I didn't. It's cheesy and stupid but I guess I just longed to see her more than I did leaving to ignore the world.**

**Being with Madge helped me to ignore it better anyway.**

**"You comfortable over there" I teased Madge rolled her eyes and chuckled. She looked pretty.**

**I never wanted to call her my friend. I'm no good at friends anyway.**

**But I like spending time with her.**

**She makes me uncomfortable.**

**I'm addicted to that uncomfortable as if I like it or something.**

**She probably just feels sorry for me.**

**She makes me feel safe but I feel strange with her and it's something that needs to stop.**

**I don't want it to.**

**"It's cold out you should stay with me until it stops feeling like its going to give my tits frostbite" Madge gave me a look that showed she was not amused by my choice of words.**

**"You know you could just say you want me to stay"**

**She called me out. Stupid me. Thinking she wouldn't notice. I was right it was freezing and I didn't want her to be cold and she probably knew this but I guess she also noticed how disappointed I got when she suggested heading home. She's always been good at noticing things. Well most things.**

**"I could"**

* * *

"You wanna be my special one  
I cannot breathe  
Please just go home"

* * *

**She liked to visit me a lot since I first let her in.**

**I can't say I didn't like her visits but I couldn't help that uncomfortable feeling.**

**She's not my friend and I don't want her to be.**

**Her hand was right by mine. Right there. So close.**

**"You're one of the most amazing people you know that"**

**I scoffed "I'm nothing special"**

**She smiled that stupid fucking smile that made her face glow in a way you wouldn't think someone who spent their entire life in a district known for mining could. It made it look like life was actually something worth while.**

**"You are to me"**

**Her hand held mine.**

**How can someone who feels so dangerous make me feel so safe.**

**"I'm not like you I'm not"**

**"Not what?"**

**"Worth it"**

**Her eyes burrowed into mine and I felt like I really was a girl on fire.**

**"Katniss, I think you might just be the most brilliant person"**

**She'd gotten closer to me now.**

**"You're worth everything"**

**She kissed me.**

* * *

"Michelle

Michelle  
You are a monster from Hell  
Michelle  
Michelle  
You are a monster from Hell"

* * *

**I didn't know what to do.**

**I'm so desperate to let this happen.**

**I'm so desperate for her to not just be a friend.**

**How could she just do this.**

**Does she know what would happen if we were caught!**

**She has to there's no way to avoid that reality.**

**You can't avoid being made to watch the executions of people who dared to love someone they weren't allowed to and she was someone I wasn't allowed to.**

**But I can't help but love her anyway.**

**We broke apart.**

**"Madge" I could only get her name out. My cheeks got wet as my chest felt like it was closing in on itself as my heart rattled inside of it.**

**She rested her forehead against mine and gave me a desperate smile that was just so fucking beautiful and vulnerable and it was for me.**

**"You're worth every consequence"**

**Those words had to be empty they had to be. She must have just forgotten how dire those consequences are and didn't realize what would happen what we meant.**

**But looking at her I couldn't help myself.**

**She caught me and I was helpless to her.**

**I guess we never were meant to be friends.**

**I kissed her.**

* * *

"You know just how to be cruel  
When you shake your hips that way  
Paint your lips that way"

* * *

**Madge didn't like Gale she didn't have to say that for it to be clear.**

**I couldn't blame her he had a habit of being hostile around her.**

**I confessed that I think I could be interested in boys as well as girls but I didn't want to be with anyone else and that I loved Gale but it was in a platonic- sibling kind of way. I wanted to reassure her she was all I wanted.**

**She told me she wasn't sure herself she didn't think she liked boys all she knew for sure was that she really liked me.**

**I couldn't help but turn bright red when she said things like that.**

**I liked spending time hunting in the woods with Gale. It was nice.**

**But she was grounding.**

**I think he must have noticed that I didn't value hunting in the woods in the same way as before. It was necessary to survive and the woods were calming and I had a deep love for them. But he wasn't her.**

**I wish I could take her here.**

**I could teach her how to hunt if she wanted or I could just walk with her and let the rest of the world fall a part.**

**Gale had talked about leaving.**

**But I could never leave not without her.**

**If she wanted to I would.**

**I wouldn't leave Prim behind but I would do anything I could to give her a life safe from everything else.**

**She was scared of the reaping and so was I.**

**But she was going to be safe she only had her name in there about six times.**

**She was going to be okay.**

* * *

"Michelle  
Michelle  
You are a monster from Hell  
Michelle  
Michelle"

* * *

**People tended to let things go here.**

**I hunted illegally and sold my game to peacekeepers.**

**But no one could know.**

**I think people must have clocked that something was going on between us. Maybe they didn't know we were together but there was a sense of people knowing we were closer than maybe we should have been.**

**Gale had been hunting with me when he made a comment about how close I seemed to be with Madge.**

**I wanted so badly to tell him to shut up and watch what he was talking about. I just tried to focus on hunting and let out an empty response"So?"**

**"Just be careful"**

**I had to force myself not to flinch at his words and the brutality of the warning they held beneath them so I just shot him a wry smile "right"**

**Gale never liked Madge and it became clearer as he attempted to brush her off when she tried to speak to me in his presence.**

**I wish I could tell him to mind his business and be better to her but I couldn't.**

**Being with her was a risk in itself and I couldn't afford to make many more of those.**

* * *

"Walk in the room  
Watching you smoke  
I'm such a fool  
Take off your coat"

* * *

**It was the day of the reaping and I couldn't shake my nerves.**

**I had never been like this before on reaping day though it would be justified it's a hauntingly tragic and terrifying moment when those names are called out and two children never get to see home again.**

**She looked pretty in that white dress Gale made an effort to make clear that most couldn't afford to have. It was a pretty dress I couldn't fault him for that. She was beautiful.**

**She gave me a hopeless smile and squeezed my hand before we had to go as though that would protect me from being reaped.**

* * *

"You know just how to be cruel  
When you shake your hips that way  
I don't care what you say"

* * *

**They hadn't called out my name.**

**They called Madge's and it was as if the world caved in.**

**I must have been screaming because I caught everyone's attention and before a moment could pass I had volunteered.**

**Of course I did. How could I not?**

**Prim screamed and ran to me but I shoved her back. She begged for me to stop, to go back to where I was, be a good sister and stay for her. I wanted to. I so badly wanted to.**

**But I couldn't let anything happen to Madge.**

**I could handle Prim's whining and screaming but the soft cry of "Katniss" from behind weakened me.**

**How could I forget the girl who made me volunteer.**

**The peacekeepers looked ready to intervene and I'm surprised but thankful they hadn't yet.**

**"Katniss what did you"**

**I couldn't handle looking at her. I couldn't I would break.**

**I just needed to hold together.**

**I had to.**

**I cupped her face with my trembling hands and temporarily rested my forehead against mine "I love you" I whispered so quietly I didn't know if I even said it. But when she fell to her knees breaking down sobbing as I surged past her to the stage I was sure she did.**

**I couldn't look back because I would lose it.**

**Madge, my own little Eurydice.**

**Effie had commented about how splendid it was to see a volunteer she made a cruel joke about how I couldn't let my _f_** **_riend_ ** **take all the glory.**

**I think I must have looked dead.**

**When I was allowed visitors I could barely look at any of them. I almost didn't want them and considered asking if I could refuse them.**

**Prim had begged for me to not leave her, begged for me to see if I can somehow un-volunteer myself, begged for someone else to take my place, begged for me not to die.**

**I had been called every rotten name under the sun by Gale. He screamed that I was an idiot for throwing my life away. He looked so vicious in that moment I was genuinely afraid of him. I think if he were to lose an inch of sanity and self composure he would hit me. He looked ready to.**

**He grabbed and shook me screaming at me for how selfish I was to leave everyone behind to leave Prim like that. To leave him like that. He made every accusation and when his rage-fueled ramblings brought up Madge's name it was like hearing someone turn the safety off of a gun.**

**I was so sure that he was going to hurt me.**

**He lost it entirely and I found myself stepping back from him as he went rabid demanding to know if I even cared for anyone. He let out every nasty, despicable thought he had surrounding Madge, called her every disgusting word he knew.**

**I just let him.**

**All I did was stare because I didn't know what else I was supposed to do.**

**I never saw him look like that before so desperate and broken.**

**I felt the guilt eat away at me as his screaming eventually broke down into sobs and he grasped onto me.**

**His anger had turned to pure, helpless, sadness and he begged for me not to leave him.**

**He had to be forced out of the room just like my sister.**

**Madge was a moments away from breaking and as soon as she caught sight of me she did.**

**She ran to me, my hands found their way to her head and her waist and she sobbed into me. I don't want to leave her alone. Not with Gale who had made her a target to blame. Not with my mother who she would have to rely on if anything bad were to happen to her medically. Not with all of those people who could damage her more than she was.**

**I was useless to help her and I paying for it.**

**I didn't want to leave her or Prim or Gale or even my mother. I didn't want to leave anyone.**

**I feared for the little family I had found.**

**I trusted Gale to look out for Prim. He's practically hates me but he wouldn't just leave her not after everything.**

**But if my mother was to just shut down again...**

**Prim I'm so sorry.**

**I'm selfish and I chose Madge but I couldn't let her die and I can't say I regret it.**

**Madge had given me her Mockingjay pin and I promised to wear it. I was glad to have something from her and I would cherish it when it would be all I had in the arena.**

**But what if the capitol were to catch on to how Madge and I felt for each other.**

**I couldn't let that happen I can't let them touch her.**

**"I love you" Madge kissed me with a deep sorrow and love and all I could do was weep and kiss her back with just as much love as if it would somehow save us.**

* * *

"Michelle  
Michelle  
You are a monster from Hell  
Michelle  
Michelle  
You are a monster from..."

The song ended and the audience of capital citizens applauded me. My 'talent' had really grown popular in the capitol much to Effie's delight and relief.

I would never have sung for these people and I wasn't really. I was singing for her and this was as close to publicly cursing the capitol and preaching my love for her as I was going to get.

Those _games_ destroyed everything I had and I fucking despised them for it.


	2. Chapter 2

The days going by sucked to say the least and I found myself coming closer to the conclusion that I truly did have no hope. My mentor couldn't care less about my revelation though because Haymitch was much too occupied but his _much needed_ alcohol. Not like my life was at stake here or anything.

Not that I should be fooling myself into thinking I had a chance my supposed mentor had already given up on the possibility of me surviving this before he had even met me and that had not changed since. But I couldn't help it. I had to get home I would not leave behind the people I had subconsciously vowed to never abandon.

Maybe to Haymitch I was just another failed face he would drink away into forgetting but I wouldn't just let myself die. Not when there's people to go home to. People I'm unable to leave behind.

So I sucked it up and I took in every shitty piece of advice Peeta and I could coax out of the old bastard. It got better with Cinna who seemed to have sparked some kind of hope for me. I wouldn't be forgotten now. I was the girl on the fire and try as they might a title like that is hard for others to forget.

Haymitch almost seemed like he actually cared about helping either me or Peeta to not die.

Training could have gone worse.

This one particularly malicious career girl seemed to continuously find her way to me and instantly blame me each time. 

Little shit.

I learned her name was Clove and she was like I said a little shit who had it out for me apparently.

She liked to flex her advantaged height and brawn over me all while with a sick little smile she wore with arrogant pleasure.

"Hey fire girl you obsessed with me or something? Cause you always right where I am" 

Don't say anything, anything you say will provoke a fight with this girl.

"I'm talking to you twelve!" she said much louder than her previous sentence.

Apparently not speaking also does a good of provoking a fight with this girl.

"I'm not following you"

Why did I say that now it sounds likes I am! Great job me! This is only the worst time to be stupid!

"Really? Cause it seems like you are twelve!" 

Over the course of Clove harassing me I had come to learn that chances are Clove wasn't actually mad at me for something I said or did she was just in a constant state of pissed off.

Which sucked just as much as your regular run of the mill career getting mad at you for something because apparently just being around Clove caused her to want to use you for target practice with her throwing knives.

"Well I'm not"

She didn't retort this time though she looked as though she _really_ wanted to. She actually managed to keep herself busy with the knot tying that she had tagged along to. However this only lasted for about a minute.

"Hey Twelve!"

"Katniss, my name is Katniss" I said coldly.

Clove looked a concerning amount of slightly more pissed off than usual for a moment.

"Okay then Hey _Katniss_ " 

"Hey Clove" 

"What are you doing?" she demanded which confused me because I thought it was pretty obvious

"Tying knots? Because this is a knot tying part of training" 

"Well you're pretty good at it" 

Once again I was very confused by her.

"Thank you?"

There was no way she just genuinely gave me a compliment there had to be some kind of double meaning to her words that I couldn't find.

"Show me!"

I squinted my eyes as if that would somehow allow me to re-hear what I think I just heard.

"What?" 

"Show me how to do them like you do!"

I looked at the knots she had made and immediately understood why she was asking for help. I was thrown off by the fact she struggled with something as simple as this and even more by the fact she actually asked for me to help her.

"Look I'll teach you how to work your way around a knife if you show me how to make a decent knot!" 

What was her aim here? Was she trying to waste my time here? She was wasting her own though? Was she trying to fool me and wouldn't actually stick with her end of the deal? Was she going to misdirect me so I actually went into the games with a skewed perception on how to fight with a knife.

But if I refused I may as well paint a big, red x on my back and at the mere thought of saying no I could practically already hear Haymitch ranting about how I just cost myself a powerful potential ally or at least someone who wouldn't think of me as a target as much as they had before.

"Okay" 

I didn't expect it but I was pleasantly surprised when that actually brought a smile out of Clove though it left quickly.

I showed Clove how to tie the knot first before undoing it and letting her try.

"Clove you're not doing it right you have to-"

"I got it!"

"You don't that's the whole point of me helping you learn"

"Fuck you" she still passed me the rope so I could show her the first few steps again.

I had to reach round Clove at one point to guide her hands when she got stuck on a step which caused her to spew out a few unwanted remarks.

She managed to get the grip of it...eventually.

True to her word she showed me how to decently use a knife for fighting and I felt a little more confident in my chances though Clove was still far more skilled than I was and had literally taught me everything I know when it comes to attacking someone with a knife. I guess I just had to hope I would never have to fight her with a knife in the arena.

"Hey Kat-kat"

"Don't call me that"

"Suck it up, anyway Kat-kat thank you for helping with the um the knots"

Like an idiot I tripped over my words at her genuine (or at least genuine-sounding) thank you.

"Y-yeah, yeah you're welcome um I- thank you for the uh you know knife wielding lessons"

Clove smiled but then because she was incapable of having any positive interaction with anyone a devious look flickered over her face and she said "yeah you're welcome Kat-kat"

"I hate that nickname" I frowned at her.

"Really? Cause I love it" she grinned, so proud that she had found a way to upset me.

* * *

The days leading up to the _games_ were torturous in their pace and what they contained.

Every moment was a reminder of why I was where I was and I found that dread was a sickness within itself and I wanted so badly to not be here but I was trapped. All I was here was a little songbird being toyed with by a cat that took great pleasure in drawing out my suffering before it eventually sunk its teeth into me.

"I don't think it's going to work out. Winning... won't help in my case," says Peeta.

"Why ever not?" says Caesar, mystified.

Peeta blushes beet red and stammers out, "Because...because...she came here with me."

She wut-

I hoped my face that was openly startled didn't also convey the slight disgust I couldn't help but feel.

Had Peeta really just said that?

Had he and Haymitch come up with this 'crush' as a tactic to throw me off?

Guess I shouldn't have underestimated Haymitch's ability to play favourites because it was very much apparent he had chosen Peeta.

What an asshole.

I didn't think they would make a plan to come after me specifically when my chances against some of the other tributes weren't exactly great.

I already knew I wasn't going to go home no matter how desperate I was to but this was just cruel.

Well at least I know Peeta's not going to go home either. Not when there were other much more competent tributes who knew far more and packed far more skill and muscle than he did. 

I'd never get to see home but neither will he and even if he somehow managed to scrape by he'd be beyond bloody, bruised and broken.

I just hope I didn't look as cruel as I felt on camera.

I decided it was better to just close my eyes so I didn't have to see the expression on my face.

Maybe if I do look disgusted then at least maybe Gale will get a kick out of my reaction.

I'd like to think so anyway.

I'd like to think Madge and Prim would also find some amusement from that but I think if anyone did it would be Gale even as he worried I'm sure he'd manage to find some fucked up humour to comfort himself with. 

At the least I could spare Madge and Gale from anger that they would undoubtedly feel if I looked please with Peeta's 'confession'. 

Maybe Madge and Gale were watching it together despite their differences-

Okay that thought crossed the line of things that are and aren't possible.

But I'd like to think the expression on my face got a snort or chuckle or something out of them.

Yeah that would be nice.

Gale this better at least get a smile out of you.

Hopefully Madge is secure in knowing how I feel about her and the fact that I wouldn't be able to reciprocate Peeta's feelings if they weren't fake.

* * *

I was grateful when I was finally able to get away from everyone. Especially Peeta who was dead set on throwing his life away so he didn't have to die as someone who the capitol created or whatever the hell he said. Either way I wasn't too happy at the prospect of throwing my life away over something as stupid as that

"Hey Kat-kat"

Oh great Clove has arrived in time to harass me.

"That whole thing with you and lover-boy true?"

"Well good because I knew it wasn't anyway"

"You're too good for him anyway" she declared.

I let out a laugh at that

"Might be the other way around"

Clove crinkled her nose like I had just stated the opposite of a fact with complete confidence "yeah that's definitely not true"

I shook my head. What was with this girl?

"Why are you here anyway?"

"Hey maybe I was here to offer a shoulder cry on if lover-boy broke your heart"

"He literally just claimed his love for me to all of Panem"

"Hey I was just worried it was all a sham on his behalf to get sponsors to like him but you actually had feelings for him or something"

I couldn't help but smirk playfully "you were worried?"

"Hey no I- I can be worried if I want twelve!"

I smiled at her "never said you couldn't"

"Yeah well I was for the record!" 

Maybe this little shit wasn't that bad.

"Can't have lover-boy breaking your heart and ruining the moment where I take you down Kat-kat!" 

I stand corrected.

"Why are you here anyway?"

"I wanted to see you" 

"Do your mentors and your allies know about your little visit to me?"

"Oh don't get me started on them- have you ever met someone as annoying as Glimmer? Even her name is obnoxious! Marvel isn't as bad as her but he certainly is not as good as he thinks he is! Just because your name is marvel doesn't mean you are one!" 

I couldn't help but laugh at Clove's suffering at how annoying her allies were.

"So do they know?" I was curious now.

"I would never hear the end of it if they did! I bet Glimmer would throw a hissy fit and say something dumb and dramatic she would probably say I should be banished from the career pack! Marvel would make dumb accusations and so would Cato but he would probably get the other to shut up if they didn't watch themselves" Clove looked physically pained at the imaginary argument she was having.

I once again laughed at her suffering.

"Maybe you should head back" I said.

"I don't want to I like you better than them anyway"

I stopped breathing for a moment.

"They're you're allies" I reminded her.

Clove seemed to lose all of the contempt she had for them previously as she was reminded of this.

"Yeah they are and you're- you're not."

* * *

The games came too quickly for my liking and I craved to be anywhere else but in that arena. I knew it was going to happen, that I was going to be forced into that arena with everyone after each others lives and the gamemakers sitting snugly in the safety of the capitol where they pushed buttons to make horrible things happen and watched children die.

I wanted to curse them out loud but I couldn't because than I would destroy all of the fragile bits of hope I had managed to scavenge. 

* * *

I couldn't help but care for Rue. How could I not when she reminded me so much of my sister?

I could sense Haymitch screaming in frustration as he watched me team up with a literal child. Well guess what Haymitch we're all children here admittedly some a lot older than others however all still kids! It's my turn in the 'hunger games' and I get to pick my allies!

I know I shouldn't have helped her.

Not when I knew I was only looking to her for the comfort my sister wasn't here to provide and that I knew we couldn't both go home.

One of us dying was inevitable and I would rather someone else kill her than me.

She had to go if I was to go home to the little family I had but I couldn't imagine killing her, couldn't imagine betraying her like that. Just as I couldn't leave the little girl who reminded me so much of my own sister I can't kill her either even if it means never seeing anyone from back home again. I hope her family are given all of the money they need and that she is able to return to them and have a good life free from suffering. I hope she doesn't have to experience cruelty again. 

But that's assuming I'll be able to keep her alive so she can win.

I supposed I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I just need us to survive the night. The careers like to hunt through it and as the amount of tributes alive declines the inevitability of a confrontation comes closer. But not tonight. No suffering tonight.

I think I actually have a shot at surviving all of this.

Hey everyone back home you better not give up on me yet not while I'm still here!

I'm coming maybe with a few too many obstacles in my path for my taste but I'm coming just you wait!

I'm not gone so just wait okay!

Madge.

Despite my hopeless situation I couldn't help but look down and giggle at the thought of her and in that moment I recalled a memory I held with a gentle tenderness. 

Suddenly I hoped the cameras were all on me.

What was she thinking in this moment? Did she see Peeta's 'love' for me for what it was a ploy to keep the attention of the capitol in hopes that he could get out of this mess alive.

Or was she left wondering how much of everything was a lie. Only able to watch as she tried to work out if I had betrayed her and had liked Peeta as much as he claimed to have liked me.

Had she found someone else? Someone better suited for her.

Had I been seen as a walking corpse by even her? I couldn't blame her for that because that was my reality as cruel and twisted as it may be.

Did she love me even now as people in the capitol swooned over Peeta's supposed love for me?

Perhaps Haymitch would see it as me playing up the whole 'star crossed lovers' thing and would give me some form of help as a reward.

The capitol could think I was expressing my love for Peeta in case he was to be the one to leave instead of me.

But she would know. 

She would have to.

"I don't know how well you remember this but its all I can think of right now, it was before all of this and we didn't really know each other as well as we do now but we got to talking I guess.

I was never one to just sit down and speak every word of my mind to anyone but that's exactly what I ended up doing and at the time I didn't know why I didn't just leave why I seemed to just let everything out but I suppose now it was because it was you"

I smiled solemnly as I pictured her face as she watched me speak. What emotions was she feeling right now? I was torn between hoping she was okay and selfishly hoping she was as distraught and broken as I would be if our roles were reversed.

"It was warm that day and we were as dressed down as we could be without causing the biggest public scandal district twelve would ever see" I laughed at my own stupid joke that wouldn't even get a pity giggle back home. District twelve was so run down and tortured I doubt anyone would give as much as a raised eyebrow if we were to be naked. Though it would raise a lot of questions from people around me. Perhaps it would be nice to see people concerned about something which only really held the threat of embarrassment. 

"You asked me if I liked anyone and of course I was embarrassed because how could I not be it's an embarrassing question, I told you I might do and you immediately jumped to know who it was. So I guess we were both a bit out of character that day that just wasn't the kind of conversation we would be having but we had it anyway" I smiled as if she was there.

But she wasn't. That was the point.

"I wouldn't tell you who it was but I agreed to describe them and you teased me endlessly you told me I may as well have been describing a god then again I guess I deserved that considering I said 'that if they were to die and go to heaven the angels would discover envy and risk falling in anguish just as Lucifer had because even though angels were made to decorate heaven, the beauty of angels could not compare to the beauty they held and heaven would be nothing if not for them' and I threatened to never reveal who it was to you so you stopped teasing me" I had to agree with Madge when she had called me dramatic but I think I get a pass considering I was not exaggerating the way I saw her.

"But I guess that threat was empty because I'm telling you now that it was you who I was talking about. I- I love you. I love you a lot actually." I really managed to stammer and trip over my words despite having known exactly what I was going to say.

"And I know you know because I told you but I need you to know its you okay, I love you so much and I don't even know how true that was not until I realized I was going to lose you. I don't know if I'll get to see you but I love you so much and I'm so desperate to tell you that please just know that okay"

"Katniss?" Rue lifted her head up to look at me.

Great job me you woke up Rue with your love speech.

"Go back to sleep Rue I was just talking for a moment you're okay"

"Oh, were you talking to _him_ " she teased.

I let out a half-amused huff "go back to sleep Rue"

She giggled but snuggled back into my side.

I smiled slightly as I gently played with her hair.

She was a good kid.

"Hey Katniss"

A good kid who wouldn't go back to sleep.

"Do you get scared?"

I looked down at her "of what?"

"Being here"

I wanted to tell her 'all the time' but I remembered she was just a little kid and I wasn't so sure what I was supposed to tell her but she would know I was lying if I told her I didn't because it's a horrible lie and I'm a horrible liar and she's a smart girl.

So I settled with "sometimes I do"

"What do you get scared of?" she asked.

What don't I get scared of was the real question. Everything was terrifying here.

"Foxface freaks me out a bit"

Not technically a lie because she does.

Rue looked puzzled "Foxface?"

"Uh girl from district five" I suddenly had the urge to rub at my neck as I realized my nickname for the district five girl had been outed and I was about to be endlessly teased.

Rue's giggling signaled I was correct.

"She does look like a fox" she laughed.

"Yeah she does" I smiled. 

"Why are you scared of her?" 

"She's smart and she's sneaky I guess she just worries me" 

Fuck that was a little too honest. She's a little girl Katniss! Then again I guess that information was already kind of known to Rue and was a reminder to look out for her. 

"I'm scared of Cato" Rue admitted.

"The big career guy?" 

"Yeah, him and Clove and that boy from district one- maybe not the boy from district one" 

I smiled "How come you're not scared of the boy from district one?" 

"He's skinny"

I couldn't help but snicker at that "and therefore he's not scary?"

Rue nodded laughing at her own words.

Bless the logic of children.

"You can beat them though!" Rue chirped.

" _We_ can, I wouldn't have been able to knock down the trackjeracker nest, get rid of the careers and get my bow from Glimmer if it wasn't for you. You healed me afterwards too"

Rue nodded.

"Sleep now?"

"okay"

"Goodnight Rue"

"Goodnight Katniss"

* * *

She was dead.

Rue was dead.

I had gotten that little girl killed because I couldn't protect her.

Fuck! FUCK!

I had sang for her because she had asked me to and it was all I could do.

I couldn't protect her.

I had owed her this at least.

I held her and she was just so still and limp and dead.

I felt like she would fall a part in my hands.

She was just a little kid and I had failed her.

She should have lived a long life, much longer than this at least.

But it had been cut short all because I couldn't save her.

I should have done more, should have done something!

But she was gone now. Dead.

I didn't want to think about what her body would do once it was in the ground.

Didn't want to think about her decomposing.

Didn't want to think about her rotting corpse.

But my mind kept drifting to it in flashes.

I tried so hard not to but I couldn't help but think about it.

I had gently stroked her head for what wasn't long enough.

But at least I got to say goodbye to her, her family didn't get even that.

But I couldn't help but be selfish in my feelings and my greed for more time.

It wasn't enough.

I gathered flowers and covered her in them and I raised my hand with that symbol that felt so weak but so much and so necessary in that moment. 

It wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough and it never would be.

I wanted to scream but this wasn't the place to do that.

I didn't have time to scream or cry or feel right now.

I had to keep moving.

* * *

Clove had caught me and I was at her mercy. She threatened me over and over again but every time she went to bring her knife down on me she just stopped and grew angrier.

"YOU MADE ME FEEL ALL WRONG! AND I NEED TO FIX THAT! YOU-YOU FUCKED ME UP AND I NEED TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT!" Clove screamed and snarled at me and I couldn't help but find myself wanting to break my own vow to myself to keep my pride even through the torture she promised to inflict upon me before she took my life from me.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!" she looked like she was about to cry.

I almost wanted to reach out to her to comfort her but she was the enemy who was about to make me suffer in some truly fucked up ways and comforting her would not preserve the pride I needed to keep if nothing else.

Then she began to mock Rue's death, laughed about how they killed her and all the care I had for her a moment ago left and I wanted to push her off me and grapple with her in hopes that I could knock her down and make her suffer for every one of those words.

She was smiling now but it was nothing like the smile she had in training. It didn't last long though because Thresh had heard every word, he must have because of how distraught he was from Rue's murder at Clove's allies hands. He had even been kind but foolish enough to let me live.

I couldn't find it in me to even feel momentary sadness, frustration or anger for Clove's death. I wasn't even sure how I felt about her dying but I certainly hadn't enjoyed anything that had happens. If I had it was overcome by the relief of living.

This was just something else I would have to feel later.

I was almost grateful for Cato.

He was able to mourn Clove where I could not.

I caught a glimpse of him holding her as roared in rage and anguish.

It was more than I could ever hope to do for her.

I did care somewhat for Clove.

But the way she had talked about Rue. My Rue. As if the death of her was something to laugh at, as if it was amusing and to be enjoyed. As if a family hadn't just experienced a horrible loss that would never be undone. As if Rue's death was insignificant.

It wasn't. 

I wouldn't let it be.

Her dying would mean something and I wouldn't let anyone forget it.

I would win for her.

She was more than what these stupid bastards made her out to me and she died when she shouldn't have!

Fuck Snow! Fuck the capital! Fuck Clove! Fuck Cato! Fuck these stupid games!

These are our lives! They look at our deaths and find no true sadness or meaning in them and then they would forget them!

But Rue wasn't going to be forgotten!

I couldn't save her but I will at least make sure she is remembered.

I won't let anyone forget you Rue I promise.

I love you kid, you should have been able to grow up but that was taken from you. I wish I had done more. I wish I had saved you. I'm so, so sorry.

Remembering Rue's death brought this horrible feeling inside my chest and I struggled to breath through it. 

She's gone. Oh God she's gone.

There's only been so many times when it was as though my body just stopped processing things and I couldn't even think because my mind had gone blank. All of them had been when something so intense and horrifying had happened and there was nothing to do but lose myself in the emptiness that my mind suddenly was.

It seemed to happen whenever I remember Rue.

Whenever I remember she was dead.

It's just so, so much and there's no room for anything else in the moments I remember her.

Rue I'm so, so sorry.

* * *

I had managed to survive all of it and yet it was Peeta that had stumped me.

Stupid Peeta and his stupid refusal to try to kill me as I was going to him! How could I kill him when he looked at me with all that trust and kindness! But he was all that stood between me and seeing home! How could I just- FUCK!

So I offered him a truce in the form of poisonous berries and hoped he'd trust me as much as I hoped the plan would work. And it did.

It worked.

It fucking worked.

I dropped to my knees and I fucking laughed at how fucked up it all was and how even still I had made it and I had done it with a little 'fuck you I'm going out my way' to the capitol. 

Both Peeta and I could go home despite everything that stated we couldn't. We shouldn't have been able to but we did.

But I didn't even get to celebrate because there was something wrong with Peeta.

Even when I had confirmation that I had won something horrible had to happen.

He couldn't just die on me after all of this!

I hate this stupid world.

It's just all so fucked up.

* * *

The moment I felt I was able to I let myself collapse in exhaustion.

I was so tired.

After everything that had happened it was a marvel that I hadn't given in to my exhaustion long before this.

I should have died in that arena.

But I didn't.

I was going home.

I was going home to everyone.

I was going to see them all again.

I was going to see Prim again.

I was going to see Gale again.

I was going to see Madge again.

Madge.

I hoped she knew I held no love for Peeta I just wanted to get another kid home if I could. 

She would understand, right?

I was too tired to focus on worrying over it anyway.

Everything was just so much.


End file.
